The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize