Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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