i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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