Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
