Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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