Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
