As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
