Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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