Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
