This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
