I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Houston, we have a blender
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
