My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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