I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize
