She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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