i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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