I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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