My nipple is on Facebook.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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