I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
