Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Drake has all the answers
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
