cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
