I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize