i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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