my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
