I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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