So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
