If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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