I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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