I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
