I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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