dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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