We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
