Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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