two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize