i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
