If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
