maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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