Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize