I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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