I wish my penis had an off switch
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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