Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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