A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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