my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think people are normalizing furries
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
