WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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