Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
