its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
