i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
