a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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