Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
