In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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