Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
