My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
