Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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