everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
