Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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