Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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