I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
