yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she smelled like a LAN party
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
