I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
