As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
