Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
