i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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