instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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