So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
