John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
